Internal Fire

Sometimes I don't know where to turn, who to talk to, or where to even post my thoughts... a place where I can be understood, without pity, but just where people get what I am saying and at the same time I can release the pressure building inside. I am a fairly private person, so doing anything semi-publicly, especially the journal-like entry I am eluding to, isn't exactly easy. However, I know I need to just get it out...

It's really nothing, to most, I am sure. My life is very blessed, and every day I am reminded of that. Today was filled with much joy and I feel eternally grateful. The kids and I attended the penny carnival and had a blast. Then we dug out the Halloween decor and the kids were excited to see house expel holiday fun. They went to bed so well tonight, which that alone is a blessing. However, it's the unexpected unplanned unscheduled "quiet time" that ALWAYS gets me. That time being now.

So now is where I unleash the typical divorcee "garbage." I suppose it's what many feel. I am not good at "feeling." At first I thought the two jobs, single parenthood was going to be overload. And it was, and it still is sometimes. It's hard to find balance and I worry so much about it taking away from my kids, as I commit so much of my "Free time" to the church and the youth there, which I love. But the point being, the two jobs and the kids keep me so busy MOST of the time, I don't have to feel. I don't have time. I am so exhausted everyday and busy nearly every minute from dawn till late in the night, I don't have much time to think about everything. Right now though, I FEEL. I feel so alone. At the same time, I have turmoil erupting in my soul. It's as if I want to scream and cry and throw something all at the same time. I want to rip off the mask that everything is okay, to show myself and to the world, that I am not okay. I feel isolated and scared and far from a strong independent woman.

I know it's only been almost a year since James and I said it was over. And it's not about that being "over"; it's not even about me being single. I don't "need" a man to fill fulfilled or happy. I know that; everything makes sense logically. But I can't help feeling like I am missing something in my life and that I am running down this path in the wrong direction. Tonight, as I do occasionally, I keep having flashbacks from when Evan had his seizures. Minutes pass before I realize I am reliving it, so vividly as if I am there. From finding him, the ambulance ride, the emergency room, the life flight. I can see every minute of it clearly. I am still scared for his health. Ava is starting to have more asthma/allergy symptoms like Evan too, and with every dry coarse hacking cough she has as I write this, I fear an asthma attack. I just feel scared and incapable.

I feel so far from my sisters. Alaina and Kyle (my niece and nephew) turn 1 on Tuesday and I am unable to be at either of their first bday parties. I'd done anything to be there today for Alaina or Saturday for Kyle, but it's not an option because of work (not to mention the lack of money for gas). I just wish they lived closer, I have such a deep need for family comfort. I know they are "there", but that's it they are THERE, not here. And if you are reading this Stacy, you know I don't mean this in a negative way. AT ALL. I love you and Brenda and your families dearly and so proud of what you've accomplished. I know it's BEST for you guys to be where you are. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I am just talking about how I feel, so overwhelmed with sadness. I miss you, that's all.

And I feel like I can't even be there for my friends anymore, because I have no time, at all. And everyone has their own families, their own agendas, their own struggles. What it all accumulates to is that I feel like I just don't belong. Like I am in this place where I feel like such an outsider and I am struggling to get through that.

As far as my "jobs", I am too just struggling to find out my purpose. I know it's there and I am trying desperately to figure it out. Recently I was out with a friend, whom is a teacher, and someone asked if I was a teacher too. I said, "no I am a paraeducator" and the girl laughed at me. (Yes kind of rude) but it made the point. I feel like a joke. (Don't mistake that I feel like my job is not important, I love being able to do what I do), I just feel like I could do more. I want to HELP people. I want to have a purpose...to make a difference. I know I need more education, but before I take out loans, I want to be certain. The options are endless, as are my opinions of what those options could be. I've reconsidered everything from nursing to guidance counseling to social work. I DONT KNOW. I know I need to be patient with this too. At the same time, I do not want to work 2 jobs and be stretched so thinly that I am on standing on the edge, just to make the ends meet for the children and I. I want a job where I can feel like I am making a difference, that makes me financially stable w/ 40 hours of work / week, a job that I can leave work at work when I am at home.

I suppose that's enough unloading for right now. Sometimes if I just let it out, some even, I feel less like I may spontaneously explode.