Returning after a long hiatus

Another soccer season has came to a close. Evan played on a U8 side by side team (which is basically two teams combined...meaning two U8 games every week); he was also asked to play on the U10 league (8-10 year olds) which he loved...it was a great experience. It was a bit of an adjustment for me. First U10 game, I had to make sure we were playing soccer and not tackle football...pretty intense. He has so much heart for the game though, that's what I love....and that's why i am an overly involved "soccer mom" :)

Overly dramatic past few days

uggg. who knew life would be so complicated?!?! i wish it was smooth sailing instead of this constant roller coaster...especially the past few days of been the most rough.

friday marked the one year anniversary to evan's seizures/life flight to sioux falls intensive care unit. evan wore his "life flight" shirt that actually fits now and marked the day as an accomplishment. nonetheless, it was a day full of flashbacks. then at school, he was hurt bad by a "big" kid who is nearly a foot taller, 30 pounds heavier. They were playing a game, Evan threw the ball in underhand, instead of overhand. The kid tackled him, face down, banging evan's head into the ground. He couldn't get up and said he almost hit his head on the wooden part of something and he got away. Took off running and kid was after him; Evan turned around as the kid came at him w/ his fists, and Evan punched him the nose, guess it was bleeding bad. Evan was bawling, more upset that he hurt someone. But he told me he was so scared and also so mad because the kid wouldn't stop. How the whole situation was handle infuriated me. I wasn't even contacted. Even after telling them (again and again) that ANY trauma to the head is a real concern. It happened MANY times last year at school and actually one day BEFORE his "seizures". We recounted for them specifically what happened so that maybe they'd understand. When Evan was taken in, it was more symptomatic of a stroke, they still aren't for sure what all happened or what caused it. But the fact that he was basicaly in a coma state and took so many hours to come out of it, is a mystery. AND knowing that head injuries can induce this type of thing, makes me so upset. SOOOO anyway, had all that jazz to deal with. ON TOP of everything else, that has been so overwhelmed at the moment. Facing the holidays as a single mom with my two children is the next major obstacle to get through....

Internal Fire

Sometimes I don't know where to turn, who to talk to, or where to even post my thoughts... a place where I can be understood, without pity, but just where people get what I am saying and at the same time I can release the pressure building inside. I am a fairly private person, so doing anything semi-publicly, especially the journal-like entry I am eluding to, isn't exactly easy. However, I know I need to just get it out...

It's really nothing, to most, I am sure. My life is very blessed, and every day I am reminded of that. Today was filled with much joy and I feel eternally grateful. The kids and I attended the penny carnival and had a blast. Then we dug out the Halloween decor and the kids were excited to see house expel holiday fun. They went to bed so well tonight, which that alone is a blessing. However, it's the unexpected unplanned unscheduled "quiet time" that ALWAYS gets me. That time being now.

So now is where I unleash the typical divorcee "garbage." I suppose it's what many feel. I am not good at "feeling." At first I thought the two jobs, single parenthood was going to be overload. And it was, and it still is sometimes. It's hard to find balance and I worry so much about it taking away from my kids, as I commit so much of my "Free time" to the church and the youth there, which I love. But the point being, the two jobs and the kids keep me so busy MOST of the time, I don't have to feel. I don't have time. I am so exhausted everyday and busy nearly every minute from dawn till late in the night, I don't have much time to think about everything. Right now though, I FEEL. I feel so alone. At the same time, I have turmoil erupting in my soul. It's as if I want to scream and cry and throw something all at the same time. I want to rip off the mask that everything is okay, to show myself and to the world, that I am not okay. I feel isolated and scared and far from a strong independent woman.

I know it's only been almost a year since James and I said it was over. And it's not about that being "over"; it's not even about me being single. I don't "need" a man to fill fulfilled or happy. I know that; everything makes sense logically. But I can't help feeling like I am missing something in my life and that I am running down this path in the wrong direction. Tonight, as I do occasionally, I keep having flashbacks from when Evan had his seizures. Minutes pass before I realize I am reliving it, so vividly as if I am there. From finding him, the ambulance ride, the emergency room, the life flight. I can see every minute of it clearly. I am still scared for his health. Ava is starting to have more asthma/allergy symptoms like Evan too, and with every dry coarse hacking cough she has as I write this, I fear an asthma attack. I just feel scared and incapable.

I feel so far from my sisters. Alaina and Kyle (my niece and nephew) turn 1 on Tuesday and I am unable to be at either of their first bday parties. I'd done anything to be there today for Alaina or Saturday for Kyle, but it's not an option because of work (not to mention the lack of money for gas). I just wish they lived closer, I have such a deep need for family comfort. I know they are "there", but that's it they are THERE, not here. And if you are reading this Stacy, you know I don't mean this in a negative way. AT ALL. I love you and Brenda and your families dearly and so proud of what you've accomplished. I know it's BEST for you guys to be where you are. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I am just talking about how I feel, so overwhelmed with sadness. I miss you, that's all.

And I feel like I can't even be there for my friends anymore, because I have no time, at all. And everyone has their own families, their own agendas, their own struggles. What it all accumulates to is that I feel like I just don't belong. Like I am in this place where I feel like such an outsider and I am struggling to get through that.

As far as my "jobs", I am too just struggling to find out my purpose. I know it's there and I am trying desperately to figure it out. Recently I was out with a friend, whom is a teacher, and someone asked if I was a teacher too. I said, "no I am a paraeducator" and the girl laughed at me. (Yes kind of rude) but it made the point. I feel like a joke. (Don't mistake that I feel like my job is not important, I love being able to do what I do), I just feel like I could do more. I want to HELP people. I want to have a purpose...to make a difference. I know I need more education, but before I take out loans, I want to be certain. The options are endless, as are my opinions of what those options could be. I've reconsidered everything from nursing to guidance counseling to social work. I DONT KNOW. I know I need to be patient with this too. At the same time, I do not want to work 2 jobs and be stretched so thinly that I am on standing on the edge, just to make the ends meet for the children and I. I want a job where I can feel like I am making a difference, that makes me financially stable w/ 40 hours of work / week, a job that I can leave work at work when I am at home.

I suppose that's enough unloading for right now. Sometimes if I just let it out, some even, I feel less like I may spontaneously explode.

The small but mighty U-8 Boys BLACK team!

We have the youngest team on the league, u-8 includes 6-8 year olds. Evan is our oldest player, and he turns 7 in November. but what they lack in size, they make up for in dedication, ambition, and persistence. they are a great group of kids, win or lose, it's been the best season thus far. (and notice, they've allowed ava to be one of them, and she loves that;)

Busy is an understatement

Since my last post, life has flung into full gear. The kids are both busy with school and me trying to balance it all and two jobs. Ava is doing great and seems to be blossoming, I can't believe how fast they grow up. They are working on counting and their ABC's and they said she's "sooo quiet!" WHAT?!? My ava??? She was like that at her daycare too, they all loved her. Wonder why she's so good for them? LOL! Just kidding, she's really starting to come out of the terrible twos. She's even nearly sleeping through the night, at last!!! Evan is doing well. He's had to adjust a bit to the teacher's style, as it's nearly polar opposite from the teacher he had last year, but I think it will be okay. He loves going and is doing great. Last year he struggled a bit and I guess over the summer he jumped leaps and bounds because he no longer qualifies for reading assistance or anything because he's on target. Every night before we go to bed, we've been reading chapter books (Junie B jones or Horrible Harry, etc) but lately I've also had him read a simple book to Ava and I first. He loves this and I can't believe how quickly they learn. He's also been very busy w/ soccer, practicing 2 x/week for about 1 1/2 hours each time. They have a great team, but they are all 6 year olds, Evan being the oldest. Since he's in u-8 now, that means the other teams can have 6 TO 8 year olds. So they've really had some hard competetion this year (which is an adjustment)!! I just hope they dont' get discouraged. Next year, they'll have an amazing team, they'll still be in U-8 and have one y ear exp, as it's a lot diff than U-6. i love watching them and being a part of it, Evan's determination and atheticism is inspiring. His heart is in the game, and in the team (not in WINNING). It's amazing to me the bad sportsmanship some kids have at this age ALREADY, or even some of the coaches, you wouldnt believe it (unless you too have kids in sports, I am sure you know what I mean). But this season has just been nearly ridicioulous. We just continue to encourage good sportsmanship on our team and explain why it's so impt, so hopefully those values stick with Evan and his teammates;)

I kind of rambled a bit. Sorry. I am tired and still a bit under the weather. I got very sick again this week. Had a cold for about 2 weeks, turned bad Friday but I postponed going to the dr till Monday becaue of work, soccer, etc. By then I had horrible sinititus, bad ear infection, inverted ear drum, bronchitis, etc. I am feeling TONS better today but still not up to par. I had a "home visit" today, a requirement w/ Ava's school. It was a bit odd for me, as she came and wanted me to set TWO personal goals for MYSELF. (like what???) I didn't know, so I put find more balance in my life. She said, how? I said I DONT know. *have someone help with the kids (WHO??), *quit second job, etc. None realistic. LOL! I got the "second job" to pay for daycare before I knew I wouldn't have much of that expense as I anticipated, so now I don't necessarily NEED the job. But I feel obligated. And I have a definate desire to work with the youth, there's so much to change in a positive way and to be able to do that, is an honor. But comes with it a lot of added stress, and not to mention 25 hours/week of work on top of full time at the high school. My house is a mess most of the time, laundry is week(s) behind, and I rarely cook a full meal. I spend every second I can with the kids and by the time I get any sleep at all, it's time to start another day. I thought working full time when Evan was a baby, and taking 18 credits/semester at BV was hard. I had no idea. This is 2x harder. The good thing I guess is that it all numbs the pain and sadness. I am too busy to FEEL or deal with much of anything, if that makes much sense.

But aside from that, life is good. I feel very blessed truly. I just wish I had more time to enjoy everyone and everything. Or even to just be better at updating. Which this really wasn't much of an update, more venting I guess. :0 And lucky for you, I didn't even talk about last week, which was awful. :)

The weather has been amazing and I hope the trend continues through the weekend. My soul could use a little extra sunshine;) Talk to you all soon!!

A little of this and that

So much to write, so little time, and not sure where to even begin:) Last weekend was wonderful for us. Evan was able to spend a weekend w/
James. It was much needed daddy/son time.
They were able to stay at a family cabin, and do a lot of fishing, which they both love. On their way home, they stopped at a friend's of James, and rode horses, which was the highlight for Evan. He was so excited to tell Ava and I all about it. While Evan was gone, Ava and I had a great "girls weekend." It was a wonderful bonding time, we did what all girls do....SHOP:) LOL. We just went to Spencer but had a blast. We debated on ear piercing for about an hour...we go in cuz she wanted earrings, then get inside, and she got scared. We didnt go through with it. She had ears pierced when she was 6 months old but at 1 1/2ish, I had to take them out because she'd try to "put them in" but would place them IN her ear and the time the ear dr had to get it out cuz it was shoved down so far, was the last time. Maybe next year she'll be more ready. She did get some hair accessories though, as you see in the pic above (that's when Evan first got home, 48 hours apart and they REALLY missed each other!!!!!). Anyway, she did a get a wand as well but was very disappointed when she found out it didn't have magical powers. She tried it out several times, trying to rearrange shelves in Wal-Mart or attempted to turn some customers into dogs....all to no avail. "Oh well, it must be broken," she said;) Aside from all the shopping we did, we also made it to Burger King, where after eating
she spent a lot of time in the play area (see pic
to the side) and went to the park in Spencer. Needless to say, she was worn out, was sleeping before we were 5 miles out of town. I was also very happy that she didn't have an accident the entire day!! Which was a huge accomplishment.

The last picture below is of Evan and his best friend Dylan, we had his first sleep over this week. They popped a tent in the living room and kept busy from the time Dylan arrived until he left the following morning....lots of time outside w/ the sprinkler, slip-n-slide, and squirt gun wars. Ava kept up with them most of the time, all of them participating in a cupcake decorating contest, which was probably their favorite part (well other than eating the cupcakes, ha). When it was bedtime, and the lights were out, I went downstairs so it would be quiet. The boys came down and said, "will you tell us scary stories w/ the flashlight?" It was so cute, we got in there passing the light, adding to the story.

I feel scattered with this blog, could be the kids

distracting me:) They are all about the olympics, and don't want me to miss the gymnastics that are on right now;) Evan got signed up for school last week, I can't believe he's going into FIRST grade!!!! WOW! I am so happy for him because he has a few of his best friends in there, last year he didn't really have anyone. I think this is going to be a much better year for him, I hope!! I got amazing news that day last week too, Thursday. Ava was accepted into headstart. I was so happy, I cried, literally. Main reason I got the second job was to pay for daycare as it cost an arm and leg, so this a huge relief financially and moreso, it will be great for her. Granted she'll be the baby of the class, just turned 3 and most of the kids are 4/5, but she'll thrive in the structured educational environment! I am excited for her to start.

Anyway, more to write about aside from Evan and Ava, but like this blog, my head is too scrambled. Got too much going on to keep it straight enough to even write about ; hopefully the level ground is around the corner. Time shall tell~

The "introduction"

I am a woman who is struggling to find her place in the world. I am just me. I am definately not the girl next door....even though I may appear to be. I rarely wear make up and don't really follow trends. Materialistic items are not essential in my life. Although I am a bit of a dork and introverted at times, I am rolling with passion to make a difference in the world around me, somehow. The question remains what I need to do with all my "zest" for life!? Time shall unfold that plan as it was meant to...even if I get impatient, I do believe everything happens for a reason. Hopefully I am heading in the right direction, another year as a paraeducator and now a second job, working 20 hours/week approximately as the local youth director; I am excited about the endless possibilities. I am very curious. I never accept things just as they are, I want to know "why?". Fake people quickly irritate me. As does gossip. Egocentric and highly-materialistic people are not members of my small circle of best friends. I like to feel needed. And I like to think I am making a difference. I am a silent activist. Reduce, reuse, recycle. I absolutely believe love is love... regardless of race, religion, or orientation. I believe adoption is the way for an unwanted baby but a woman should have her options, i am pro-choice. I am very shy. That is until you get to know me...then I don't shut up. I like to dance, especially when nobody is watching. I love love love art and music. And I love nature and being outside...playing baseball with the kids or chasing them around the yard or going for walks or sitting on the beach...the fresh air always does my body good. I am an old soul in a sense - I love the mountains and hope someday (sooner than later) to finally see the ocean. Old-style houses w/ character appeal more to me than newly-made cookie cutter types. That applies really to all aspects of my life...I like originiality. Humor is essential in life and any relationship. A good laugh cures many woes. I hate confrontation and never can think of a good response in an arguement until hours after its over. I have a bad habit of worrying too much about everyone else. But i AM a work in progress.

I am a mother to two beautiful children, Evan (6 years old) and Ava (she just turned three) - THEY ARE MY WORLD!!! Watching them grow and the bond I share with both of them is unlike words can even describe. They bring much joy to every day, and I cherish the time we share. The days sometimes seem long, but the years are going by too quickly.

I am here just hoping to keep those at a distance updated on one site, I feel too spread out w/ facebook, myspace, and the kid's page...so here, it all unites~